I am so excited, Bella, the updated, silicon version of Emilyne /Emily- will be here Friday. I was able to make the order, and I'm so eager to have my set of "twins". :)
Today I bought two pacifiers, one that I have modified for Emilyne with sticky tack adhesive, which I've found via online/video's is a safe method to use to adhere the modified pacifier to Emily's vinyl-based mouth.
(Yeah I know, Emilyne needs new outfits and some variety.. I intend on accomplishing picking up more outfits for her and for Bella just as soon as cash allows)
For Bella, her silicone counterpart, I am not yet sure how I will modify her pacifier that I have set aside for her. I intend on doing a lot of research and homework online this week before I decide what the best method is to use a modified pacifier for Bella's silicone-based mouth. :-/ Right now, it's still a head-scratcher for me.
It felt good picking out paci's and being able to look at all of the cute baby stuff that I would normally avoid like the plague because it simply hurt SO MUCH to have to face things I felt I was just not entitled to. For the first time I looked at baby stuff and I didn't feel like I just wanted to curl up and die. I felt like it was OK to look at the baby things because there would be two adorable baby dolls that would look precious on display with some of those clothes. The only time I EVER stopped and looked at infant things was when I was pregnant a few years ago with my then unbeknownst to me ectopic pregnancy. For a lousy minute I actually thought that it might amount to a viable pregnancy and might stand a chance. At the time I had no idea what I was in store for.. I looked at baby things like as though in less than 9 months we'd have a baby in our lives. After that, and my loss, I avoided the baby sections like they would be my very death if I dared go near those isles or the pregnant women and new mothers roaming them. Can you imagine how hard it is to live that way? I don't even know how to properly explain how cripplingly devastating it's been.
Emilyne (and soon Bella) gives me a reason to not look at something as simple as the infant section in a store in such a negative light, she takes some of the burden off of my shoulders and some of the hurt away from my heart. She has taught me that it's OK to look and it can still be enjoyable, it doesn't have to be a CONSTANT reminder of how much I have been denied what I have wanted more than anything. In addition, Emilyne has taught me that I don't HAVE to dwell night and day, day and night, about all of the pain I have been going through these past three years. I can step back and remove myself from that pain to some extent, and I don't have to dwell so intensely on the hurt and the loss.
Due to the fact that my husband and I have another IVF consultation to endure this coming week, I have a feeling I will need that extra comfort that Emily and my new addition will both bring me later this week. Knowing how our luck has been with IVF costs vs. what we can afford (night and day), I do not expect this upcoming appointment to be any different, or anything more than another waste of a co pay, a waste of whatever our insurance is billed for the visit, and a waste of our time. My faith in finding a way is at zero, even below zero if that is possible. And this is why finding the comfort and good feelings that Emilyne , and soon Bella, provide me are so important to me. I have finally found a coping tool to get through my days less depressed and hopeless. And every little bit of bliss is something that I have MISSED. Something that I welcome so intensely, there are no words to describe how much so.
I'm looking ahead to my plans to modify my "girls", and further off I will be looking to invest in a boy as well. It wasn't necessarily a plan for me to start off with girls in particular, that was just how it happened because the Emily newborn was available at the time and I was so very impressed with her. Then after having her for this long and still loving her mold so much, I decided I was really very interested in her silicone version before going down any other roads. But having both genders will definitely be fun, and something to look forward to. :)
I also plan to buy one of those complete reborning kits with the mold head/arms/legs/body and all of the tools and paints needed to create one myself, just to see how I would do making my own. For me that would be the greatest thing ever. Even if he or she didn't turn out anything near like what I'd anticipated, I made the baby doll and I will be happy that I was able to give it a try myself. :)
Bella should be here Friday, and I am so looking forward to having 'twins' to display and change up as time goes on! :)
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